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Category Archives: Photography

My Favorite Art/Journal/Craft Supplies

We have been discussing our favorite supplies and products for the Decorated Page project.

Here’s part of my list:

Carbon Desk Fountain Pen

Carbon Ink Cartridges (Waterproof ink)

TWSBI Eco Fountain Pen (Clear) with Fine Nib

Pilot Kakuno Fountain Pen Fine Nib

Grace Watercolor Brush Set

Prismacolor Pencil Sharpener

Karetake 36 watercolor set

Noodler’s Heart of Darkness Ink (with free Noodler’s Fountain Pen)

Platinum Preppy Fountain Pen

Akashiya Sai Watercolor Brush Pen Set

The Decorated Page by Gwen Diehn

Sakura Watercolor Field Sketch Set with (aqua)brush

Derwent Inktense/Watercolor 12 ct pencil tin

Saunders Uhu Glue Stick

Uniball Signo Broad Point White pens

Pentel water/aqua brush set

Prismacolor Premier Colored Pencils 24 ct

Ebay: I look for used books. I also got the Yarka St. Petersburg watercolor pans from there, as well as Jinhao fountain pens.

Goulet Pens: I’ve ordered notebooks like Rhodia Webnotebook, as well as the Leuchtturm1917 softcover,  and nibs for my fountain pens.

And the SevenSeas Crossfield, Standard, and Writer.

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The Pretender

I’m a confident imposter some days… or maybe I’m an insecure braggart, or a jack of all trades and a master of none… No, I’m a writer, and a photographer, and a maid, housekeeper, laundress, chauffeur, organizer, counselor, referee, therapist, personal shopper, gopher, researcher, repairman, babysitter, etc… HOWEVER, I don’t get paid for any of those things. I just am what I am…

I rarely feel confident about my abilities as a whole. I don’t voice those insecurities. I don’t take my self and my abilities as serious as I should. If I took my abilities seriously, especially as a writer, others would as well. Yet here I sit in my writing space that is about to go back to being my son’s room and I’ll be back in the living room (not the dining room or our bedroom). Sacrifice. That’s the name of the game when you have a family. I was so excited. So inspired. So motivated and enthusiastic. And then I found out my son wasn’t going to make it through bootcamp because of some physical issues (deformed hips, who’d have thunk it?)…and he’s coming back home so he can go to college. He can recycle in, that’s the military term, in six months, but he’s thinking about joining the Air Force or Navy Reserves. Their bootcamp is less strenuous…The Army and the Marine’s are hardcore. Since his ASVAP score was like a 98 (which is extremely high), even though he has his GED not a diploma, he also has college credits, so he shouldn’t have a problem getting in the Reserves. Why the GED? because my son also has “Imposter Synrdrome.”

Why live up to your potential when others make fun of you, sometimes to the point of physical bullying, for being smart, a bookworm, a nerd, a geek…” Why not stay under the radar? Why not trudge through life pretending that you’re not as smart, talented, creative, or experienced as you are? Because sometimes it’s easier to live in under the radar. Like my son, I spent the majority of my life living under the radar so I wouldn’t be picked on for being a bookworm, smart, etc… I’d suffered through it in elementary school and by middle school I realized it didn’t pay to be the smart kid, or the bookworm, or to know the answer and be the one to raise your hand–no one like’s a teacher’s pet or a know-it-all… So I dumbed myself down. After years of dumbing myself down meant I only allowed myself to be who I really was in private. I read under my covers with a flashlight as a child and as a teenager). I listened to NPR on the radio on the way to work when I was by myself as an adult.  I created a blog and originally it was anonymous…BUT after a while, I could no longer pretend.

I was a PRETENDER, both in mind and in reality. If I couldn’t be myself around the people I loved, then there was a problem. Being myself in the serious relationship I had prior to my husband wasn’t an option, not really. At least not in my mind it wasn’t. I tried, and it SERIOUSLY ROCKED the cliched boat. I tired in my first marriage, well before that serious relationship and it didn’t work either. I was too nice…too emotional…too impulsive…too creative…too ME. I wondered about, lost in dumbing myself down and staying under the radar in unhealthy relationships with others and with myself for far too long.

Anxiety, stress, depression, ADHD, all played a factor. The more stressed out you are the more anxious you are, the more anxious you are the more stressed out you get. Add those two together and they wreak havoc on your ADHD, and all of that plays with your emotional well-being, which paves the way for depression to creep in. Oh, I was a wreck. I barely had any self-esteem, I was medicated to the gills for anxiety, depression, etc… which resulted in making me feel numb and in limbo. One day something inside me broke when I was with the ex before my husband Mr. Rockstar/Truck Driver… I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I was tired of internalizing everything and staying under the radar, dumbing myself down, and of not rocking the boat. I wanted to, no I needed to stand tall and be myself. I needed to take a stand and stop pretending. I could no longer be an imposter in my own body. I walked.

I left. Packed my bags, my daughter’s bags, loaded my car, and went to a cheap hotel. I wouldn’t have cared if I’d had to stay in a cardboard box, as long as I could finally be free. Free to be myself. Free to be happy. Free to be silly, or lazy occasionally, or funny, or friendly, or sad, or angry, or smart, or talented… FREE to be who I really was…No more hiding under the covers to read, or taking medicine so I could remain sane in the screwed up existence that my life had become. . I got off the medication. My stress levels went down tremendously, thus reducing my anxiety and depression. I’d managed to live my whole life with ADHD without medication, so I knew what to do there. I’m not saying that medication isn’t the answer for some folks with anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc… It’s works for some, but I can’t live my life numb, and that’s what taking medicine for those things does to me. As long as my stress levels stay low, I’m good. Life has stress, there’s no way to go through life without stress, but being with someone who loves me exactly as I am, accepts me and that fact that when I get anxious I need space and quiet, that crowds make me anxious, loud noises make me anxious, arguing makes me anxious… Or when I get really hungry I get grumpy….Or if I don’t have some time alone I get grumpy….Or that writing, photography, creative pursuits are a part of who, what, and how I am. I need those things to be happy, sane, and whole individual. I no longer have to read with a flashlight under the covers. I no longer have to dumb myself down. I no longer have to pretend that I’m not smart, a bookworm, etc…

But after years, decades even, of pretending I wonder if I haven’t lost quite a few things along the way. I find myself wondering if I’m just pretending to be a writer. Pretending that I’m good at it, that I have talent. If I’m pretending that I might be able to one day make a living at it, or with the photography that so inspires my soul as well. I doubt myself. I second guess myself. When I begin to go down that road, I say to myself, “You ARE a WRITER, whether you get paid for it or not. You ARE talented whether anyone recognizes your talent or not. You are a photographer, even if you never get paid to take a picture….” I figure if I tell myself those things eventually I might believe them and stop feeling like I’m a fraud.

Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender . Are you full of confidence or have you ever suffered from Imposter Syndrome? Tell us all about it…

  1. of hope | Anawnimiss
  2. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender- Self Esteem and Introversion | Journeyman
  3. A Time For Introspection | The Jittery Goat
  4. Confession: I Suffer From Imposter Syndrome | Musings | WANGSGARD
  5. Courage To Finish | My Little Avalon
  6. DP Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Sabethville
  7. Shame | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
  8. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Love your dog
  9. Walk the walk | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
  10. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | The WordPress C(h)ronicle
  11. One Day They’ll Find Out | The Ambitious Drifter
  12. I HAVE A QUESTION, ARE YOU BISEXUAL? | She Writes
  13. Here I Come | Views Splash!
  14. Glittering Awards Ceremony! Daily Prompt | ALIEN AURA’S BLOG: IT’LL BLOW YOUR MIND!
  15. “Do what you do do well” | Hope* the happy hugger
  16. Pretending to be a Grown Up | the intrinsickness
  17. liberty | yi-ching lin photography
  18. i am slightly off- | y
  19. I am a lazy person and full of confidence | wisskko’s blog
  20. Confident ? ::E.N.Howie’s Motivational Moments
  21. Who were You before You became You? (Braveheart Chronicles Vol. 2) | Running On Sober
  22. Ghostly Granny Tales: Daily Prompt | ALIEN AURA’S BLOG: IT’LL BLOW YOUR MIND!
  23. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Pastathree’s Blog
  24. Unmasking my masks on the way up the ladders of success « psychologistmimi
  25. Borrowed Reflection | forgottenmeadows
  26. Feeling Like a Fraud | Lisa’s Kansa Muse
  27. Imposter syndrome – every writer must suffer this at some point | new2writing
  28. Daily Prompt: Being Confident! | All Things Cute and Beautiful
  29. Humbug « Averil Dean
  30. Grading yourself. | Cake Box Fox
  31. “I can, I Can, I can” The Confidence Poem | The Bohemian Rock Star’s “Untitled Project”
  32. I’m a Writer, Yes I Am
  33. My Dementor: Shame and Self Doubt | Ever Upward
  34. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Blissful Pages
  35. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | A Day In The Life
  36. Are you full of Confidence or a Great Pretender? | New Visions
  37. IMPOSTER | Hastywords
  38. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Tonkadella’s Things in Life
  39. A Hidden Confidence | Ms. Raven Marie
  40. Textured Captures: Set in Stone | LenzExperiments
  41. he’s so shy | eastelmhurst.a.go.go
  42. The Great Pretender_Today’s Daily post | A Blog for Laura Lee
  43. Daily Prompt – The Great Pretender – Say what? | Serendipitous Cookery
  44. Ticky-Tacky … I’ll drink to that! | The Flavored Word
  45. The Great Pretender | The Nameless One
  46. Insecure | Life is great
  47. Are You an Impostor? | Pinstripes&Lipgloss
  48. Red Flags | The Zombies Ate My Brains
  49. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Morrighan’s Muse
  50. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Life In The Passenger Seat
  51. What Everyone Said | INKLINGS
  52. Confidence | The Land Slide Photography
  53. I Always Thought I Was Just Modest | …Properly Ridiculous…
  54. Daily Prompt: Pretending | Finicky Philly
  55. What is Wrong with You may be What is Right with You | An Upturned Soul
  56. My Luck! | Flowers and Breezes
  57. Don’t Mess With Me! | Life Confusions
  58. Is The Glass Half Empty or Half Full? | melissuhhsmiles
  59. Angela McCauley
  60. I Don’t Pretend to Pretend | djgarcia94
  61. Alway was a rebel | Always was a rebel…
  62. “Impostor Syndrome?” or “I WAS BORN A DINOSAUR” | Ensis Reads – The First-Impressionist
  63. Blossoming | Cogito Ergo Mum
  64. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | My Atheist Blog
  65. Confidence for 500 please! | Living with Post Concussion Syndrome
  66. Pretending my way through the day | One Educator’s Life
  67. Don Draper and Buddah Walk Into a Bar… | by LRose
  68. Tempest in a Tutu | Be Less Amazing
  69. Masks may lie | sunny side dreamers
  70. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | Just Be V
  71. Imposter Art Lover | Photography Journal Blog
  72. Fool Me Once, Shame On You! | meg lago
  73. When I Decided I Wasn’t Going to Be White: The Art of Disappearing | Kosher Adobo
  74. .. Certainly Not Me « Overcoming to Becoming
  75. Wasn’t me…Then who? | Youer than You
  76. Oh, No – He’ll Find Out! | Lynne McAennyl
  77. Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender | imagination
  78. НЕКОИ МАЛИ НЕШТА ПИСАТЕЛСКИ
 
 

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